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By Pastor Paul LeBoutillier

The tragedy in Littleton, Colorado has had no small impact on the people of the United States, and the world! Some see a foreboding picture of the spiritual and emotional condition of our children and I must confess I am among them. [Note: I need to warn you that this article was hard to write and is even harder to read. It's an "in your face" kind of approach to learning the tough lessons from Littleton, Colorado. If you find some of the things I've said offensive, I'm sorry, but I think it's high time they got said. I'd sure like your feedback.]

Recently, someone used the word "insane" to describe the boys that committed these horrific murders. Those boys may have been many things, but I don’t think insane was one. I find that people use the word "insane" as more of a defense mechanism than anything else. By labeling someone as "insane" they can place such people in a category apart from themselves and ignore the fact that the same monster lives within us all. It’s called "sin" and it’s why Jesus came to die on a cross.

Rather than insane, the Bible uses the interesting words "warped" or "twisted" to describe what can happen to a person’s mind when they are repeatedly exposed to evil and wicked influences.

A man is praised according to his wisdom, but men with warped minds are despised. (Proverbs 12:8 NIV)

And the Apostle Paul warns Timothy of those who are "warped and sinful" and bent on dividing the Body of Christ. He said they are to be avoided. (See Titus 3: II)

So what causes a person to warp or twist as badly as the two kids we saw in the Littleton massacre? That’s the question (among others) that the world is currently asking, and I’ve noticed the answers aren’t very forthcoming. Not wanting to engage in finger-pointing, suffice it to say there were certainly things those parents could have done differently. But I discussing the mistakes of non-Christian parents is a waste of time because our goals are different. As Christians we’re attempting to do a lot more than just raise kids that don’t commit murder and hate others. Our goal is to raise kids who will love God with all their heart and be responsive to His Word. Are you standing in the way of making this happen in your children’s life? Check out the following passage.

People were also bringing babies to Jesus to have him touch them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the lithe children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these." (Luke 18: 5-16 NIV)

The message for parents in this passage is stated in be positive and negative terms. On the positive side Christ says, "Let the little children come to me … " and on the negative side He warns, "… do not hinder them." So here’s a question for you as a Christian parent: What are you doing that right actually hinder your child from walking with Christ both now and later in life?

Hinder is a strong word. It means, "to obstruct" or "be an impediment to" something. And yes, not only can Christian parents hinder their children, but it happens all the time. Let me share some ways I believe parents are actually hindering their children from coming to Christ.

1. By avoiding the job of parenting. There are parents who work hard at trying to spend as little time as possible with their kids. They talk about needing "time away" and believe this is something they deserve. They are constantly having friends and relatives watch their children, and jump at the first chance to ship them off to any "activities" that get them away from the home. Believe me when I say these kids are time bombs waiting to go off and no one should be surprised at the behavioral challenges they will demonstrate. Such a child is being hindered by their parent from coming to Christ.

2. By engaging in child-centered parenting. This is almost the opposite of the scenario above. Rather than avoiding parenting, the child-centered parent takes the giving of attention to an unhealthy extreme. The child-centered parent is constantly catering to the whims and desires of the child and teaching by these actions that their happiness and pleasure is paramount. This is the child that is often moody and emotionally manipulative because it serves them so well. They scream when it’s time to go home and throw a fit whenever they don’t get their way.

Child-centered parents often subscribe to worldly parenting philosophies and practices, such as "time outs" for negative behavior. And because their child has never learned any level of self-control they are quick to adopt excuses for their negative behavior, such as telling you they’ve been diagnosed as A.D.D. (Attention Deficit Disorder). Child-centered parents are seriously hindering their children from coming to Christ. (1)

3. By not modeling a lifestyle of commitment to Christ. Jesus taught that a student is not above his or her master. Our children are going to emulate what they see going on in our own lives. If you’ve allowed work or play to take precedence over a commitment to Christ, you can expect no less from your children. You are effectively hindering your child from coming to Christ.

4. By not protecting the child from the onslaught of worldly influences. One of the fundamental jobs of a parent is to protect, and a Christian parent goes into their job understanding that ".•.the whole world is under the control of the evil one." (1 John 5:19 NIV) Funny, isn’t it, how many of us have read this and believe it to be true, yet how few of us have applied it to parenting. This is evidenced by the fact that we so often throw our kids into world-run institutions and allow them to be influenced by un-Christian(and sometimes anti-Christian) sources.

Between the hours of television, movies, and ungodly institutions of learning, the hour or so that our kids spend learning the Bible in Sunday School or youth group each week is sure to have little or no effect. Thus we are seriously hindering their chances of coming to Christ.

5. By elevating rules above love and forgiveness. Sometimes in our zeal to raise godly kids we forget the basics-such as how to say, "I’m sorry" and "I forgive you." Our kids grow up seeing faith in Christ as something that makes people rigid and unloving. Who could blame them for not wanting any part of it? I think some dads wrongly believe that being the leader of their home means they always have to be right and any admission of guilt or error would weaken their leadership standing. Nothing could be further from the truth. Kids need to see you make mistakes and respond to them in a godly manner. Being willing to admit that you made a mistake and seeking your kid’s forgiveness goes a long way to making you real and your faith in Christ relevant and touchable. Anything else is going to be a hindrance to them.

6. By allowing marriages to end. We may never know the extent to which we have hindered our children from coming to Christ by allowing our marriages and families to beak up. In Malachi chapter two, the Lord God reveals to the Israelite men why he has warned them against “breaking Faith” with their wives. He starts by reminding them that a man and woman become “One Flesh” in marriage. and then he says:

Has not [The Lord] made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why One? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. (Malachi 2:15 NIV)

Isn’t that incredible? God is seeking "godly offspring" therefore He warns us not to allow divorce to enter our homes and hinder our children from Christ.

1. Stop sacrificing your kids on the altar of money and possessions. If you have small children at home and you’re asking (or demanding) that your wife work to help maintain your financial lifestyle then you need to reconsider why you decided to have kids in the first place. I’m sorry but you can’t parent your kids when you’re not around! Daycares and schools certainly aren’t going to do the job for you. If your wife doesn’t work you may not be able to afford that extra car, or boat or even the house you currently Live in. But are those things really worth more than your kid’s eternal future? I have to tell you, it brings a lump to my throat when I meet a couple who has moved their family to a town where there’s a lower cost of living just so they can get by on one income and let mom stay home and raise the kids. These kinds of families don’t have nice cars or nice clothes or huge vacation budgets, and they live simply, but they have something others don’t—a loving, stable home where "family" comes first and Christ is honored.

2. Stop ignoring the decline of society. The idea that "it takes a village" to raise our children is just not true. Before you leave your children to the influence of "the village" you might want to take a hard look at how kids in the village are turning out. The village, or society, or whatever you want to call it, has lost its moorings and cannot be depended upon. Littleton is a tragic example.

I don’t know if you saw the interview with Cassie Bernall’s parents on television after the Littleton shooting, but this girl that everyone has been raving about was a very troubled teenager heading in all the wrong directions-and fast! Her parents were more than alarmed and decided they needed to take some drastic measures to save their daughter. Those measures included moving her to a completely new school, restricting her from certain friends and limiting her extra activities to church-related events. They even went so far as to search her bedroom. Does that shock you? It might some people in this day and age of exalted "personal rights," but Cassie’s parents saw the danger as too real to ignore. So they decided to act like parents. And they’ll tell you it was an uphill battle all the way, but they saw their daughter transformed by the power of Christ from a dark and depressed teenager with shoulders slumped forward to a wonderful, bright and effervescent witness for Jesus. (2)

3. Stop expecting others to do the work for you. How many Christian parents do you suppose have regular family devotions with their kids? (I’m talking about sitting down and reading the Bible and praying together.) I’ve not seen any statistics on the subject, but my guess is that it’s shockingly low. Most rely on others, like youth leaders and Sunday School teachers to do the Bible teaching. But frankly that doesn’t cut it.

I think a lot of fathers are intimidated to have a Bible time with their family because they don’t see themselves as the kind of spiritual leaders that can do that sort of thing. But they miss the point of what’s needed. It’s God’s Word that’s needed, not a demonstration of your own brilliance. How tough is it to read a chapter of the Bible and spend some time praying for needs? If we would just get our kids in a place where they’re hearing God’s Word. He will do the rest!

4. Stop hindering God’s blessing ill your family. When I’m doing marriage counseling I like to ask couples if they want to have God’s blessing on their family. They always say, "Yes!" I then take them to Psalm 133 which says,

How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity! For there the LORD bestows his blessing, even life forevermore. (NIV)

So where does God bestow His blessing? Where there’s unity! Agreement! Oneness! Togetherness! Singleness of hear and mind! But what is required to hare this kind of unity? The answer? Humility and wisdom. Humility so you don’t always have to be the "winner" of every argument (as if there really is a winner), and wisdom to know when it’s absolutely necessary to stand your ground.

Here’s the bottom line: when there’s unity in your home there’s blessing, and where there’s blessing there’s I strength, and where there’s strength, there’s order, an5 where there’s order there’s peace, and where there’s peace there’s an environment that’s favorable for encouraging your children to walk with Christ. The opposite of peace is unrest, and attempting to pass along Christian principles in an environment of unrest is-to use a biblical phrase-like "kicking against the goads."

Brothers, I pray the Lord’s richest blessings on your homes and

families. Events such as those in Littleton inform us in a most

sobering way that it’s time to get serious about raising our kids

in the way of the Lord, and make no mistake about it—-it’s a full

time job!

SUMMER STATS

According to figures gathered by Christian camping International, 268,000 campers accepted Christ in 1996, and over 200,000 former campers are now serving in church leadership positions.

–Single Parent Family, Mar 1999 (page 4)

(1) I have no doubt that there is such a thing as Attention Deficit Disorder. But the truth needs to be told that the majority of parents that use the A.D.D. excuse are simply covering up for the fact that they’ve done a very poor job of parenting.

(2) Cassie Bernall was the young woman who was asked by one of the gunmen if she believed in Jesus Christ and who was shot after responding, "yes!" Incidentally, although TIME magazine reported the gunman only asked her if she believed in I "God" the acts, as reported by kids who were there and survived the shooting, are that he specified belie/in Jesus Christ.

And One Last Thing…

Paul Harvey read this on his radio program:

For the life of me, I can’t understand what could have gone wrong in Littleton, Colorado. If only the parents had kept their children away from the guns, we wouldn’t have had such a tragedy. Yeah, it must have been the guns.

It couldn’t have been that half our children are being raised in broken homes.

It couldn’t have been that our children get to spend an average of 30 seconds in meaningful conversation with their parents each day. After all, we give our children quality time.

It couldn’t have been that we treat our children as pets and our pets as children.

It couldn’t have been that we place our children in day care centers where they learn their socialization skills among their peers under the law of the jungle while employees who have no vested interest in the children look on and make sure that no blood is spilled.

It couldn’t have been that we allow our children to watch, on average, seven hours of television a day filled with the glorification of sex and violence that isn’t fit for adult consumption. Enter into virtual worlds in which, to win the game, one must kill as many opponents as possible in the most sadistic way possible.

It couldn’t have been that we have sterilized and contracepted our families down to sizes so small that the children we do have are so spoiled with material things that they come to equate the receiving of the material with love.

It couldn’t have been that our children, who historically have been seen as a blessing from God, are now being viewed as either a mistake caused when contraception fails or inconveniences that parents try to raise in their spare time.

It couldn’t have been because our nation is the world leader in developing a culture of death in which 20 million to 30 million babies have been killed by abortion.

It couldn’t have been that we give two-year prison sentences to teen-agers who kill their newborns.

It couldn’t have been that our school systems teach the children that they are nothing but glorified apes who have evolutionized out of some primordial soup of mud by teaching evolution as fact and by handing out condoms as if they were candy.

It couldn’t have been that we teach our children that there are no laws of morality that transcend us, that everything is relative and that actions don’t have consequences. What the heck, the president gets away with it.

Nah. it must have been the guns.

In Christ’s Love,

Pastor Paul LeBoutillier

Proverbs 3: 5 –6

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Please do all you can to help your children get the real thing and not just go through the motions of going to church or acting a certain way when they know you’re looking.

You want them to really be committed to the Lord personally.

Key point for fathers:  

Dads need to work hard to help their children have their own vibrant, real relationship with Jesus, and not just pass on a mechanical faith.

Important Bible verses:

I Samuel 16:7  “Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

II Timothy 3:5  “having a form of godliness but denying its power.”

Your children’s identity and security should be in Jesus- not in clothes, grades, sports, musical ability, cars or their looks, etc.

Hopefully we all realize that following Jesus is the most exciting, exhilarating and rewarding thing we could ever do.

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Many parents do not learn until it’s too late, that it is critical what kind of friends you allow your children to have. Your kid’s friends are going to play a large part in shaping your children’s values.

Please take heed of this, from when your children are young until they leave home, and even beyond when appropriate.

Key point for dads:

Parents need to be very careful to make sure their children have the right friends.

Important Bible verses:

I Corinthians 15:33 “Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character.”

Proverbs 13:20 “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffer harm.”

Be strong in the Lord to fight against the draw of the world, all the days that you have influence in the lives of your children.

Be available and involved in their lives, and don’t be afraid to maintain high standards.

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August 2009

Dear Dads,

Have you made a personal commitment that you and your family, to the best of your ability, are committed to the Lord?

Key point for dads:  

One of God’s great desires is for you to be personally committed to Him with your own life.  Then He would want you to do everything you can for your family to also follow Him.  

Important Bible verse:

Joshua 24:15 “But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve…. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”

You know if you are personally committed to the Lord and if you are doing your best to lead your family in the Lord.

If you are not doing all you can, please get with the Lord today and make the commitment to do so with His help.

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Please do not make the mistake of spending too much time ministering to others at the expense of your own children while you have them living at home.

You only have your children for a few years, and if you blow it with them, you will regret it the rest of your days.  You will have the rest of your life to minister to other people.

Key point for dads:

Put all the time and effort into your children that is needed or you will regret it for the rest of your life.

Pertinent Bible verses:

3 John 4:  “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.”

In this verse, John is probably talking about spiritual children, but how much more should this apply to your own flesh and blood?  

II Timothy 4:6:  “…the time has come for my departure.  I have fought the good fight”

Paul’s comments to Timothy involve many things, but for sure on your death bed, you will want to know you did all you could to have your children love and walk with Jesus.

If you still have children living at home, take the time for the next ten to twenty years to be the best father you can to raise your children in the Lord.  You will never regret it, but you have to do it now while your children are young, as you do not get a second chance.

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Dear Dads,

Do your children know that winning a game, or being class president, or getting an A in class is not what matters most to God?

What matters to God is, do we give something our best effort, and who do we do it for.

Important Bible verse:

Colossians 3:23 “Whatever you do, work at it with all you heart as working for the Lord, not for men.”

Key point for dads:  

Teach your children they need “to do their best” with whatever they are involved with and that they should be doing it for the Lord, not just to be a people pleaser.

It is critical to realize that each child has different abilities, and they can only do as much as the Lord has given them the ability to do.

When children do the best they can, they are winners in God’s eyes, and hopefully this will be completely satisfying to you also.

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How do you plan to work with your children, to help them maintain sexual purity until marriage?  A purity ring or special memento as early as junior high school could play a significant part in the process.

Key Point for Fathers:

 It would be wonderful if each of your children, from their own heart, would make an individual commitment to the Lord to remain a virgin until they get married.

Important Bible verse:

 I Thessalonians 4:3  It is God’s will that you should … avoid sexual immorality.

A promise ring for your daughters could be quite helpful in this process.  It would be something to be worn as a visible reminder of an inner commitment.

While a commitment from your sons is just as critical, a ring might not be their preference.  Perhaps a necklace, bracelet or watch, with a specially engraved message would be the way to go.

It will take great wisdom on your part to help them make this decision themselves, and not just say they will because of your pressuring them into it.

If your child chooses to do this, a personal ceremony with your giving the memento would be significant, and then your loving follow-up and involvement until marriage will be important too.

God bless you as you consider this significant undertaking.

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Dear Dads,

It is really important for children to learn that the universe does not revolve around them.  Making sure they know that other people are just as important to God, and helping them learn to share material items with other people is quite important.

Sharing does not come naturally and definitely needs to be taught to younger children.  Older kids can become selfish along the way and need to be reminded too.

Key point for fathers:

Dads need to be teaching their children the importance of sharing with other people and that God will be pleased when they do.

Important Bible verse:

Acts 20:35…… remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: “It is more blessed to give than to receive.”

It is amazing how people are becoming more and more self-centered in today’s society. Please be very diligent to help your children not become that way.

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November 2008

Dear Dads,

Here is a question for you.  What is the most important commandment according to the Bible? 

Certainly this is something you would want your children to know, and live by, and Jesus did answer that question when He was here.

Mark 12:29-30  “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this…… Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.”

Key point for dads:  

Teach your children that loving God and obeying Him are the most important things they can do.

The next question to consider, if we say we love God, is what will happen if the person really does love God?

John 14:21  “Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me.”

Talk is cheap.  A person’s actions do matter.

These are great reasons to teach your children the Bible, from an early age, and help them learn to live what it says.

One warning here is to not emphasize rules and miss the personal relationship that God wants with each individual person.  It is critical what is in our hearts and that we are responding out of love for the Lord.

One last question to be asked is, do your children see all this in your own life?

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October 2008

Dear Parents,

Even though the Bible speaks of spanking, it is still a controversial topic amongst Christians. While the other Dad’s Newsletters are meant to be quick and easy to read, this one will require time and thoughtful reading.

This letter is only one of many sources of information available on the training of children. Balance is essential. Every child is different, and the parent must really know and understand each child in order to discipline him or her appropriately.

When used properly and lovingly, spanking can eliminate harmful yelling, anger, and even child abuse that can result from frustration and loss of control.

If you choose to spank your children, please consider the cautions and controlled system discussed below.

Key point for parents:

While spanking is Biblical, balance, restraint, and prayer must be exercised in the process.

Important Bible verses:

Proverbs 29:15- The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame

We know that the rod involves spanking, but reproof, the verbal explanation of the wrong-doing, is also a vital part of the discipline process.

James 1:20- …the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

Anger breaks human relationships. It is especially harmful in the discipline process.

The Loving Spanking

The actual spanking, as with all other forms of Godly discipline, should be carried out in a loving manner. The disapproval (reproof) is placed on the wrong-doing of the child and not on the child himself.

The child must be assured of the parents’ and the Lord’s constant and unconditional love, especially during the time of correction.

Here are some important “Nevers” to remember:

Never spank in anger ……. Anger is destructive to any relationship and can lead to serious harm, both emotional and physical.

There should be no display of anger in facial expression, tone of voice, volume of voice, or choice of words. Phrases like “Why are you so dense?” or “You’re the trouble-maker in this family,” can break your relationship with the child and leave life-long scars.

Phrases like “I love you too much to let you disobey” or “I spank you because you are so precious to me” reinforce your love for the child at the time of spanking.

Never embarrass the child ……. Don’t spank him/her in front of others or broadcast his/her wrong behavior to others, before or after the punishment.

Once the punishment is over, don’t bring up the wrong-doing again. Avoid recounting the incident to any other person (even to the other parent) in the presence of the child. How would we like it if God broadcast our sin to others?

Never spank for something that the child has not been previously instructed about.

Never spank for something that the child is not capable of understanding and obeying.

Never spank for an accident or something the child cannot control ……. For instance, one would never spank for accidentally spilt milk, an accidentally broken window, forgetting something, or bedwetting.

Never hit a child in the face.

Never spank in any way that might cause injury ……. The well-padded areas of the buttocks or back of the upper thighs are safe places. The spanking should only be hard enough to cause enough of a sting that the child learns that wrong behavior results in a painful outcome and thus deter the child from wrong behavior in the future.

Spanking on either the right or left buttock avoids intestinal spasms that can result from spanking over the rectal area.

It is critical to remember that different children have different pain thresholds. Each child should receive the spanking that provides the appropriate sting for them, but again, never injury.

Never leave a child until the two of you are reconciled ……. After the spanking has occurred, the parent’s hugs, kisses, and words of affirmation and affection are very important. Examples are “You’re such a special daughter/son”, “I love you so much”, “You’re going to be a mighty man/woman of God.”

Throughout the discipline process, assure the child of your unconditional love and forgiveness. Forgiveness is essential; don’t hold the wrong-doing against the child. Failure to forgive on the parent’s part will have negative outcome.

The “Rod”:

A wooden spoon or 1/4 inch wooden dowel is good to serve as the “rod”. The goal is just to produce a sting, not to cause any physical harm to the child.

Hands should just be for demonstrations of affection and love. A child should never be afraid of your hands when you reach out to them in affection or encouragement.

Taking the time to get the “rod” and walking the child to a private place serves well in making the spanking procedure more methodical and not emotional, simply an action that needs to be taken because of the child’s wrong behavior.

Make sure the child understands what he or she did wrong before the spanking occurs. That’s the “reproof” part.

The Three D’s

Here are three defining areas to spank for:

1) Deliberate disobedience . . . This is the kind of disobedience where the child understands what is right but insists on doing what he or she wants instead. This is to be distinguished from behavior that is simply childish, or something done accidentally, or something the child has no control over like forgetfulness or bedwetting.

2) Disrespect . . . This includes both words and actions.

3) Dishonesty . . Deliberate deceit

Please note that if a child comes to you and confesses that he or she has done something wrong, it is probably best not to spank, but to show mercy and work together on the issue.

Final Comments:

In learning to respond to the parents’ authority, the child is learning to yield to other authority figures and ultimately to God. Just as the Lord disciplines us because He loves us, our children should know that we discipline them because we love them. Just as we choose to love and obey the Lord because He loved us first, our hope is that our children will respond to us because we loved them first.

We don’t want to do anything that would rob our children of their joy in the Lord or their zest for life. Anger, over-correction, and harshness can crush a young spirit, leaving life-long damage and a heart closed to the Lord and His principles. It’s better to err on the side of leniency than to err on the side of over-correction.

There will stop being a need for you to raise your voice to be heard. As a child learns that there will be a spanking for willfully disobeying instructions from the parents, he or she will respond to softly spoken directives. The parent will not become frustrated and express angry words. The home will be a more peaceful, happy and secure haven.

Positive reinforcement for good behavior is essential. Some examples are “I can see how you want to please the Lord” or “That was so nice how you shared your toy with ….”

Proverbs 16:21 says “Pleasant words promote instruction.” Look for every opportunity where you can honestly affirm and encourage your child.

Humility on the part of the parent makes the parent more approachable. Consider phrases like, “When I was your age I needed spankin
gs too” and “God is showing me that I really messed up badly; grown-ups mess up too.” James 5:16 says “. . . confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed.” There are times when it’s appropriate to confess your sin to your child and to ask your child for forgiveness.

Understanding builds a good relationship. Proverbs 16:16 says, “. . . to get understanding is to be chosen above silver.” Try to understand the child’s perspective too.

Children who experience loving discipline and forgiveness from their parents will be more likely to see the Lord as a loving and forgiving God.

Be consistent and pray a lot.

The home should be a joyful place. There should be lots of fun, high-energy activities, laughter, and humor. High standards for behavior should not hinder fun; rather, fun will be facilitated in an environment when there are high standards of behavior for everyone, including the parents.

God bless you and your family.

Hi Folks,

You will have another letter about spanking from me.

Will you please make sure to consider the "whole package" and not just emphasize certain parts?

Balance is such an important concern and be sure to "err on the side of grace". 

It is much better to err on the side of leniency than on harshness.

Thanks.

Blessings,

Al