October 2008
Dear Parents,
Even though the Bible speaks of spanking, it is still a controversial topic amongst Christians. While the other Dad’s Newsletters are meant to be quick and easy to read, this one will require time and thoughtful reading.
This letter is only one of many sources of information available on the training of children. Balance is essential. Every child is different, and the parent must really know and understand each child in order to discipline him or her appropriately.
When used properly and lovingly, spanking can eliminate harmful yelling, anger, and even child abuse that can result from frustration and loss of control.
If you choose to spank your children, please consider the cautions and controlled system discussed below.
Key point for parents:
While spanking is Biblical, balance, restraint, and prayer must be exercised in the process.
Important Bible verses:
Proverbs 29:15- The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame
We know that the rod involves spanking, but reproof, the verbal explanation of the wrong-doing, is also a vital part of the discipline process.
James 1:20- …the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.
Anger breaks human relationships. It is especially harmful in the discipline process.
The Loving Spanking
The actual spanking, as with all other forms of Godly discipline, should be carried out in a loving manner. The disapproval (reproof) is placed on the wrong-doing of the child and not on the child himself.
The child must be assured of the parents’ and the Lord’s constant and unconditional love, especially during the time of correction.
Here are some important “Nevers” to remember:
Never spank in anger ……. Anger is destructive to any relationship and can lead to serious harm, both emotional and physical.
There should be no display of anger in facial expression, tone of voice, volume of voice, or choice of words. Phrases like “Why are you so dense?” or “You’re the trouble-maker in this family,” can break your relationship with the child and leave life-long scars.
Phrases like “I love you too much to let you disobey” or “I spank you because you are so precious to me” reinforce your love for the child at the time of spanking.
Never embarrass the child ……. Don’t spank him/her in front of others or broadcast his/her wrong behavior to others, before or after the punishment.
Once the punishment is over, don’t bring up the wrong-doing again. Avoid recounting the incident to any other person (even to the other parent) in the presence of the child. How would we like it if God broadcast our sin to others?
Never spank for something that the child has not been previously instructed about.
Never spank for something that the child is not capable of understanding and obeying.
Never spank for an accident or something the child cannot control ……. For instance, one would never spank for accidentally spilt milk, an accidentally broken window, forgetting something, or bedwetting.
Never hit a child in the face.
Never spank in any way that might cause injury ……. The well-padded areas of the buttocks or back of the upper thighs are safe places. The spanking should only be hard enough to cause enough of a sting that the child learns that wrong behavior results in a painful outcome and thus deter the child from wrong behavior in the future.
Spanking on either the right or left buttock avoids intestinal spasms that can result from spanking over the rectal area.
It is critical to remember that different children have different pain thresholds. Each child should receive the spanking that provides the appropriate sting for them, but again, never injury.
Never leave a child until the two of you are reconciled ……. After the spanking has occurred, the parent’s hugs, kisses, and words of affirmation and affection are very important. Examples are “You’re such a special daughter/son”, “I love you so much”, “You’re going to be a mighty man/woman of God.”
Throughout the discipline process, assure the child of your unconditional love and forgiveness. Forgiveness is essential; don’t hold the wrong-doing against the child. Failure to forgive on the parent’s part will have negative outcome.
The “Rod”:
A wooden spoon or 1/4 inch wooden dowel is good to serve as the “rod”. The goal is just to produce a sting, not to cause any physical harm to the child.
Hands should just be for demonstrations of affection and love. A child should never be afraid of your hands when you reach out to them in affection or encouragement.
Taking the time to get the “rod” and walking the child to a private place serves well in making the spanking procedure more methodical and not emotional, simply an action that needs to be taken because of the child’s wrong behavior.
Make sure the child understands what he or she did wrong before the spanking occurs. That’s the “reproof” part.
The Three D’s
Here are three defining areas to spank for:
1) Deliberate disobedience . . . This is the kind of disobedience where the child understands what is right but insists on doing what he or she wants instead. This is to be distinguished from behavior that is simply childish, or something done accidentally, or something the child has no control over like forgetfulness or bedwetting.
2) Disrespect . . . This includes both words and actions.
3) Dishonesty . . Deliberate deceit
Please note that if a child comes to you and confesses that he or she has done something wrong, it is probably best not to spank, but to show mercy and work together on the issue.
Final Comments:
In learning to respond to the parents’ authority, the child is learning to yield to other authority figures and ultimately to God. Just as the Lord disciplines us because He loves us, our children should know that we discipline them because we love them. Just as we choose to love and obey the Lord because He loved us first, our hope is that our children will respond to us because we loved them first.
We don’t want to do anything that would rob our children of their joy in the Lord or their zest for life. Anger, over-correction, and harshness can crush a young spirit, leaving life-long damage and a heart closed to the Lord and His principles. It’s better to err on the side of leniency than to err on the side of over-correction.
There will stop being a need for you to raise your voice to be heard. As a child learns that there will be a spanking for willfully disobeying instructions from the parents, he or she will respond to softly spoken directives. The parent will not become frustrated and express angry words. The home will be a more peaceful, happy and secure haven.
Positive reinforcement for good behavior is essential. Some examples are “I can see how you want to please the Lord” or “That was so nice how you shared your toy with ….”
Proverbs 16:21 says “Pleasant words promote instruction.” Look for every opportunity where you can honestly affirm and encourage your child.
Humility on the part of the parent makes the parent more approachable. Consider phrases like, “When I was your age I needed spankin
gs too” and “God is showing me that I really messed up badly; grown-ups mess up too.” James 5:16 says “. . . confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed.” There are times when it’s appropriate to confess your sin to your child and to ask your child for forgiveness.
Understanding builds a good relationship. Proverbs 16:16 says, “. . . to get understanding is to be chosen above silver.” Try to understand the child’s perspective too.
Children who experience loving discipline and forgiveness from their parents will be more likely to see the Lord as a loving and forgiving God.
Be consistent and pray a lot.
The home should be a joyful place. There should be lots of fun, high-energy activities, laughter, and humor. High standards for behavior should not hinder fun; rather, fun will be facilitated in an environment when there are high standards of behavior for everyone, including the parents.
God bless you and your family.
Hi Folks,
You will have another letter about spanking from me.
Will you please make sure to consider the "whole package" and not just emphasize certain parts?
Balance is such an important concern and be sure to "err on the side of grace".
It is much better to err on the side of leniency than on harshness.
Thanks.
Blessings,
Al
